"Answering Machine Song" lyrics - MONTY PYTHON

If you want to leave a message after the tone

Then speak clearly and I'll call you when I'm home
Just say your words and say your name
Leave the time and date you called
And I'll get back to you
Unless you're completely a boring old fart

If you want to leave a message after the tone
And darling, please forgive me, I'm not home
I'm out shopping or trying to buy a dress
So please leave your message, unless you're in distress

Please leave a message after the tone
I'm so sorry this is taking me so long
I hope you're not calling from Australia
Or far from Singapore
Or this whole thing is costing you a fortune
As well as being a bore

[Sobbing:] Leave a message, please leave me a message after the tone
Because... alright I am! I am home! I am, I am, I am!
I'm locked up in the bathroom all alone
Please leave a-me a message after the tone.