"Traditional Stand-Up" lyrics - BO BURNHAM

We got a little serious there-I think "fisting" should be called "upper-cunting." And we're back.

Do you guys like impressions?

(Yeah.)

Why?

That was Socrates.

Older traditional stand-up comics sometimes have problems with me
Because they think I use music and other stuff
And they think I'm a gimmick, I'm a hack, you know, I'm a gimmick comic
And they're such comedy purists, they don't think my comedy can stand on it's own
But the truth is, I'm a comedy purist, too
So I can do comedy without gimmicks
I'll show you that right now
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye-patch?
Names!
For those listening on the CD, I just gave birth to a dove

I love traditional stand-up comedy, don't get me wrong
I love it. I'm a huge fan of traditional stand-up comics
A lot of them are my heroes
And I want to be a traditional stand-up comic
And I've been working on some traditional stand-up material and
It's in its infancy so, please, bare with me, go easy
But this is a bit of my traditional stand-up

(Pause)

My wife, right?

We never have sex! Like, ever which is really funny

Something else - I never know what she's saying! She'll say something and I'll be like, "PFT" You know, she's constantly emasculating me and I'm making her resent herself for getting older so we're looking into a divorce

-and, you know, something else that's really funny: she can't drive! The only think she can drive is DRIVE ME CRAZY and when she back talks I hit her