"Cultural Differences" lyrics - DAVE CHAPPELLE

Sometimes, that's gonna be too much to deal with. That show business be crazy. That's where the cultures really collide. Show business bring a lot of races together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it don't. This is one thing that happens that's funny. You sometimes I'll be on a business call, right? You know, like, with- with a lawyer or something. You know, my lawyers be White. And uh...
So like, we'll be on a call, right? And they'll be like:
"Dave, we're gonna close the deal. Is that fine with you?
I'll be, like, "Yeah, that's good for me."
"Great! Great. You have a good weekend, Dave."
I'll be like, "A'ight. You too, man. Peace."
"Uh... all right now. Bye-bye."
They don't know what to say, right?

So sometimes I'll make up shit that's not even slang, just to see how they handle it and shit. It'll be the same thing, they just go:
"All right, we're gonna close the deal. Is that fine with you, Dave?"
"Yeah, it sounds good to me."
"Great. You have a good weekend, Dave."
"All right, buddy. Zip it up, and zip it out."
He'll be like...
"Uh... All right. Zippity-doo-dah, bye-BYE."

Sometimes, you know, sometimes racism works out in Black people's favor. It doesn't happen often. It happens very rarely. But... when it happens, it is fucking sweet.
I'm serious.
One time, racism saved my life, man. I was- I was on a plane. I was c- I was coming from overseas. And... I don't know how this guy got a machine gun on the plane, but he stood up, man. He said:
"Everybody! Get on the fucking ground. NOBODY LOOK AT MY FACE!"
I started freaking out.
'Cause he was Chinese. I was like, "Why is he talking like that?"
He was screaming and crying.
I was the only brother on the plane- Well, I thought I was the only brother. I looked over, there was one other Black dude. He was from Nigeria. I looked over at him, he was looking right at my face, man. He didn't say two words, he was like:
(Exhalation; gives thumbs up)
He didn't need to talk. I knew just what he was talking about. I looked right back at him. I was like (gives thumbs up)
Some White dudes on the front of the plane seen us. They were like:
(Gasp) "Oh my God.
I think those Black guys are gonna try to save us."
Mm-MMMM.
We were just communicating that we understood the situation. We were both seeing the same thing. What we understood was simple.
Terrorists don't take Black hostages.
That's the truth. I have yet to see one of us on the news reading the hostage letters.
"Mm. They is treating us good.
Uh, we all chillin' and shit.
I'd like to give a shout out to Ray-Ray and Big Steve in...? Newport."

You're not gonna see it. Terrorists are smart. They know what they're doing. They're, you know... They're terrorists. They know that Black people is bad bargaining chips.
They call the White House, they say:
"Hello. We have got five Black-
Hello?"

I be back in D.C. You know what- You know what I was thinking, man? This- This is an election year. I'mma ask you, you a White guy, do you know who you're voting for yet?
Don't know, do you?
Now you see that? You see what just happened here? Let me tell you something, that is a cultural thing.
He knows who he's gonna vote for, he's just not gonna tell me. See? I've noticed that. That is a cultural thing. White people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. It's a secret.
You ever ask a white guy who he's voting for?
"Hey, Bob. Uh, Bob. Who you gonna vote for?"
"Dave, Dave! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Mmmm... Take it easy now. Take it easy.
So anyway, um... I was fucking my wife in her ass, right? And-and... I mean, it was something else."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but- but who are you voting for?"
"Dave! Dave, come on with the voting.
I'm trying to tell you about how I fucking my wife, and you're asking me all these personal questions."

They don't like to divulge that information... 'cause it matters to them. Black people talk about that shit. Black people will openly talk about politics. Black people will openly talk about *beating up* politicians and shit.
"If I see George Bush, I'll kick his motherfucking ass for cutting my Medicaid."
They don't care. They'll just say it.

Black people will just say it.
But there's a reason for that. Because it matters more for th-. It matters more. Black people, see- see, even when I vote, right, which I don't, but- but even when I, like, think about, like, who I would vote for, right? I don't even look at their political policies. I just look at their character.
You know what I'm saying now? You gotta- no, I'm serious. You gotta read between the lines.
Like, you know, you look at Clinton, and Black people like Clinton. We've seen him on the ca- I saw one thing on the campaign trail, he actually just picked a Black baby up and kissed him-
"Come here, little nigger baby." Mwah!
Just kissing him.
I said, "Mmmm-hmmm! I like that.
He did not hesitate or nothing.
You see George Bush Jr. He'd be like:
(Kiss) "Ew."
That was fun.

Like, see, I'd never vote for George Bush Jr., but I don't know George Bush Jr.'s politics. The only thing I know about is that that guy sniffed cocaine. That's right.
Now listen, we cannot have that shit in the White House. That might be fine for a mayor, but goddamn it, not in the White House.
Not in the White House.
Mmm-mmmm.
You hear what I'm saying?

The stakes are too high in the White House. Can't have no cokehead president, mm-mmm.
He'd be selling nuclear secrets for 20, 30 dollars and shit.
He'd be at meetings, embarrassing America.
"Come on. Sign the treaty, baby.
I'll suck your dick."
Like what the-?
"Mr. president!
Mr. President, that is not how we do business here, sir.
Stop sucking the ambassador's dick."
"No, let him finish.
I will sign the treaty.
There will be peace in Israel, finally."

I'd vote for Clinton again if I could. At least- It's always better-
Now again, I'm not looking at his politics. Don't know what his politics are. I'm just looking at his behavior.
I understand that kind of behavior. I know a lot of dudes with them shortcomings.
Weed smoking fornicators, there's a lot of them.

I mean, come on now. Let's- let's be honest. Let's be honest. Bill clinton was not the first president to do what he did. Now let's just-let's just- let's think back for a minute. Bill Clinton was *not* the first president to do what he did. Now, now, let's just- let's just-
Let's think back for a minute. Remember a guy named- named Kennedy? John F. Kennedy. Remember him? He fucked Marilyn Monroe.
Matter of fact, him and his brother Bobby fucked Marilyn Monroe.
And history doesn't talk about that much. You know why history doesn't talk about that much? Because those two pages in history are stuck together. They're-
They was gettin' it on.
They were gettin' it on.
I seen the tapes. Remember the tapes?
She be singing all nasty as his party, stressin' him out and shit.
"Hap-py birth-day
Mis-ter Pre-si-dent."
"Bitch, my family's here. Mm-mmm."

Clinton did the same thing, but he didn't do it like that. Because it's the year 2000. He's busier than Kennedy was. He was a busy man. Clinton did that kind of thing the way busy men do it. You know what busy men do?
They fuck who's close to them.
I could tell that was what Clinton was up to.
Looked like he just stuck his head out the office door and shit.
"Ehh, oh boy!
You! you, come here.
Come here.
I need my penis sucked before my 3:30. Come on.
Oh, boy."
He was probably looking at Kennedy's picture and shit
"Oh." (salute)

And then to top it off, he lied, which I thought was just- I thought that was special.
I did, man. I know how he did.
I've been accused of having sex with a girl I did not have sex with before, and let me tell you something, that shit is infuriating.
You ever go through that? You know, it'll make you crazy. You'll be screaming at your best friends.
"I didn't touch that bitch! Nigga, I'll kill you!
Fuck you, nigga! I'll kill you!
Please believe me.
PLEASE BELIEVE ME!

But Clinton didn't do it like that, did he? Clinton came out at the press conference all relaxed. His shoulder's all relaxed, looked like he just got done fucking or some shit.
(Sigh)
"Listen. Let me tell you something, America.
I don't think you heard me the first time.
I did not... have... sexual... relations... with that woman!
(Sniffs finger)
Miss Lewinsky!
You know he did it.
Everybody knew what that finger smelled like. Nobody cared. Nobody cared. We all watched. We was disgusted, but we kept watching the news. I know I did. I was taping it. See, I'd be at the crib like:
"Baby, turn the lights off. News is coming on."

Every week on "60 minutes," it was a different girl accusing Clinton.
Remember when Kathleen Willey came out? She was upset.
"The president called me into his office. He... began...
Massaging my breast... slowly.
I'm sorry.
And then he placed, my hand...
On his genitals.
Ed Bradley was shocked.
(Gasps) "Was he aroused?"
I was at home like, "Yeaaah, was he aroused?"
And then Ed Bradley looked right in the camera, he said
"Don't bust that nut yet. We'll be right back.

Oh, man. The news had never been so good. But there were no victims. There were no victims. Only one I feel sorry for is that, uh, Lewinsky. I feel a little sorry for her. Don't y'all feel a little sorry for her at all?
(Audience: No!)
Goddamn, y'all, come on now. Have a heart. That's a hard thing to be famous for, you know.
Ain't nobody want to be the most famous cocksucker of all times and shit.

I feel bad for her. Not even the women feel sorry for her? A little bit, ladies?
(Women: No!)
Now that's jealousy. That's what that is.
I mean, come on, y'all. That's one dick that that girl sucked that's gonna haunt her for the rest of her life. Long after she's spent that money up, that's still gonna haunt her.
And I know there's a lot of women in here with at least one dick they regret.
And I bet you it wasn't a president's dick. I bet you he worked at Kinney shoes or Safeway or some shit like that.
Don't go judging her. Don't go judging her.

See, we gotta stop judging people. That girl was young, and she made a mistake that young girls make. She wanted to fuck a powerful man. Period. That's as far as she thought it through. She wasn't thinking about how powerful the president was. She had no wisdom.
An older woman would've helped everybody. An older woman would've been in there
"You know, um, you should lower taxes. (tsk tsk tsk tsk)
You know what I'm s-
An older woman would've sucked us into Utopia.

The last thing I'm gonna say about it is this, that: he is a famous man.
I have dreamt of being famous, but I never dreamt of being *that* famous. I never understood how famous a president was. But imagine if someone could suck your dick and then they're famous. You understand what I'm saying?
That's crazy.
That's *crazy*.
I mean, no guy ever thought of that. There's nobody with a pickup line that good and shit.
"Hey, suck my dick. There's a future in it."
"Oh, that's it.
Now get out there and be somebody!
Go write a book.
You're a qualified author now. Go write a book.