"Cops & Buns" lyrics - FRANK ZAPPA

[Apostolic Studios, NYC
October, 1967-February, 1968]

Patrolman Lefemine: Now, we don't come up here because we feel like walkin' four flights at three o'clock in the morning.
FZ: Yeah.
Patrolman Lefemine: We were up here last night. Now for us . . .
FZ: Last night?
Patrolman Lefemine: Yes.
FZ: I wasn't here last night.
Patrolman Lefemine: For us to continually come up to this here place every night and not show no action other than to say, yes a corrective indictment . . .
Guy #1: Oh, sure this is ridiculous.
Patrolman Lefemine: We look kinda bad. I mean, let's be honest. Now if you had to give me any kinda reccomendation, or mark my word, you'll say, "Who the hell's kiddin' who? This guy's a mistake, every night, 3 to 4, 2 to 4, betwen those hours you guys are at 53 E 10 st, what are you doin' there every night? You mean you, you permit this condition to continue on without once giving a summons?" Alright, your lawyer said to knock it off! Uh, we're puttin' ourselves over backwards with these people. Do you know what we're doin'? Do you know what we're doin'?
FZ: No, tell me. Please tell me.
Patrolman Lefemine: Alright. Well this is, if we're up here once we're up here twenty times. I know that little guy, like a, like the guy at the, like a long-lost brother. Now if we ever get called down, if this ever goes to a big explosion, and they say, "Officer, what did you do, did you issue summonses?" They get, this is all in the rekkid book, how many times we've been up here. This is all rekkids.
FZ: M-hmm.
Patrolman Lefemine: Now if these people wanna subpoena these rekkids, they can subpoena these rekkids. An' they can find out how many times we've been. This is us on, wait! This is us alone! An' they say, "Officer, what did you do? Warn 'em? You mean to tell me you were up here about twenty times an you never issued a summons?"
Guy #1: There have been summonses.
Patrolman Lefemine: Well, WE never issued em! How many summonses have you gotten for noise?
Guy In Charge: What, me personally, or the studio?
Patrolman Lefemine: The studio! The studio.
Guy In Charge: I don't know how many, but there's a court case pending right now . . .
Guy #1: We've gotten one.
Patrolman Lefemine: ONE! ONE! And how many times have I, eh, uh, hey listen! As I say, if I've been up here once I've been up here twenty times already.
FZ: Hey look, stop it, pack that stuff up, stop making NOISE you guys!
Guy In Charge: Yeah, well, I understand, he didn't know . . .
Patrolman Lefemine: Well, who's in charge here at the studio?
Guy #1: Here he is.
Guy In Charge: In charge?
Patrolman Lefemine: IN charge
Guy #1: He's more or less in charge
Patrolman Lefemine: Are you in charge?
Guy In Charge: I don't run the studio, I just . . .
Patrolman Lefemine: Alright, listen, lemme tell you one thing . . .
Guy In Charge: I'm in, I'm in charge
Patrolman Lefemine: You're in charge at this point
Guy In Charge: Right.
Patrolman Lefemine: My name is Patrolman Lefemine
FZ: Here, have a BUN.
Patrolman Lefemine: Now, as of tonight . . .
Guy In Charge: Right.
FZ: You want a BUN?
Patrolman Lefemine: If I come back here, and every night that I do come back here, I don't care who says he's in charge, I will issue a summons.
Guy #1: I'm issuing you a bun
Patrolman Lefemine: An' anybody thinks it's a great joke, you can all laugh in the court.
Guy #1: Yeah, I issue it.
Guy In Charge: But, uh . . .
Patrolman Lefemine: You guys ain't got one hit record by now, my goodness.
Guy In Charge: We have, we have to . . .
Guy #1: It takes a long time.
Patrolman Lefemine: You know what I mean. This is ridiculous!
FZ: Are you sure you don't want one of those breakfast rolls on your way down the stairs?
Guy In Charge: Yeah . . .
Patrolman Lefemine: You better believe that I don't want nuthin'
Guy In Charge: Who gets, who gets the summonses, is the, the organization?
Patrolman Lefemine: Whoever it is in charge at the time. He could say Joe Blow, I don't care what kind of a name he gives me. Then if the courts decide, if they wanna know who he's takin' orders from, they'll summons that person to court. That's all there is to it.
Guy #1: Alright. Take care.
Guy In Charge: Right.
Guy #1: Okay.
FZ: Nighty-night!