"Classical Teacher" lyrics - TENACIOUS D

"Classical Teacher"
(Jack Black / Kyle Gass / J.D. Ryznar)

[J:] Hey Kage
[K:] Jables
[J:] How goes it man?
[K:] S'good... s'good
[J:] Y'know I been thinking a lot about it, and um, I just want us to be the best fucking band in the world.
[K:] Well yeah me too!
[J:] There's no point in doing it if we're not the best.
[K:] Well s'true. I agree with that.
[J:] I mean what, yeah we're gonna be, yeah we're really good. We're like almost as good as Arcade Fire, fuck that.
[K:] Yeah
[J:] We gotta leave those fuckers in the dust!
[K:] What, what do you...
[J:] All those fucking youngsters gotta lick our fucking boot or fuck it! Y'know what I mean?
[K:] Yeah! Yeah, well what, how do we do that though?
[J:] [sigh] Dude you need to fucking have some lessons.
[K:] What!
[J:] I know, you're really good but you gotta expand your game.
[K:] Lessons!
[J:] Y'know how Koby in the off season would go and like, learn a fucking, Y'know a Texas Two-Step or something, to add to his arsenal?
[K:] Man, yeah, that's true. That's true.
[J:] Well I've just been noticing some of your classic riffs are a little sloppy.
[K:] Really?
[J:] And I, I hope you're not pissed off at me but I went ahead and hired a dude.
[K:] Yeah? Oh no, what!
[J:] Dude, just give it a chance will you? If you don't like- ah hey! I swear, if you don't like it we'll fucking fire his ass. He's out.
[K:] Who is this guy? I never...
[J:] His name is Felix Char [?]
[K:] Urgh, what.
[J:] He's from Spain and he is the best.
[K:] Oh god...
[J:] I got him from the fucking London Phildsarmonic. (Meant to be philharmonic)
[K:] Urgh, I just, I don't know him, it seems weird!
[J:] Will you just, will you just spend a minute with him?
[K:] OK. All right. I'll spend a minute with him.
[J:] OK bro, he's right outside I'm sending him in.
[K:] Oh god, OK. Why? Lessons, so stupid.
[F:] Hello?
[K:] Uh, hi!
[F:] Hello, I am Felix Char.
[K:] Hi, uh. Felix? Yeah, um.
[F:] Ah, as, Jack as asked me to spend some time with you. Uh.
[K:] OK, hm.
[F:] One on one. So, while Jack is outside, ah we will work on your technique.
[K:] OK.
[F:] Can I see you pick up, is this your guitar here?
[K:] Yup. Yeah, I gotta it, I gotta it right over here.
[F:] Ah, it is a Fender ay? Is this a Fender?
[K:] Ah well it's a Gibson.
[F:] Yes a Gibson, yes. Made by the same, uh, manufacturer. Pick it up. Please, can you pick it up?
[K:] OK. Yeah.
[F:] No, no, no, d-d-d-d-d-d-d bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap!
[K:] What? What'd I do? What'd I do?
[F:] You pick it up from the neck! This is not the way you pick up a guitar!
[K:] I just picked it up, I just-
[F:] No, no, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, callate tu bocar, pick it up from the body.
[K:] The what!
[F:] The body.
[K:] Oh the body! Body, OK.
[F:] I'm sorry about my accent.
[K:] I didn't know, I didn't know.
[F:] Now listen to me. I want you to play, like it is a woman. You go and play the guitar now. Play.
[K:] Uh, OK? Uh.
[F:] No, no, no, no, no. You, your fingers. Your fingers are too tight.
[K:] They're too tight?
[F:] Yes, let me get behind you. Like this, you see?
[K:] Oh! Hn.
[F:] If I put my finger, on your finger.
[K:] Hey!
[F:] Then you can feel...
[K:] I can! Wait!
[F:] Sh, sh, sh, sh, shu! Finger to your mouth. I put my finger on your mouth, on your lips.
[K:] Mhmhm!
[F:] Yes that's good.
[K:] Hey man!
[F:] Now listen hey, you want to play like an orgasm.
[K:] I'm just try- what!?
[F:] Feel this. Do you feel that?
[K:] Oh god! This is really weird man!
[F:] That's my cock.
[K:] what!
[F:] That's my cock in your butt cheeks.
[K:] OH GOD! Hey!
[F:] Do you feel it?
[K:] NO!
[F:] Now I'm going to touch your cock.
[K:] OW!
[F:] Let me touch your penis.
[J:] It's me!
[K:] what?!
[J:] It's me. It's JB.
[K:] GOD!
[J:] There's no Felix dude.
[K:] What are you doing?!
[J:] I'm fucking waking you up! I'm trying to shake your foundations!
[K:] By touching me with your penis?!
[J:] YES! By fucking touching your penis! Whatever it takes!
[K:] God!
[J:] That's all I'm saying dude! I'm making a point! Let's get fucking serious! Let's get physical! All right. Let's take it from the top.