"Andy The Frog" lyrics - BO BURNHAM

Walking between the microphones
Is really awkward
[Song cuts off]
Tell me about it!

[Skit 1]
WOMEN ARE STUPID!
...Shut up!
You know it, I know it, that they're the weaker, dumber sex. I can prove it to you
I like to practice safe sex, why?
Because I'm a guy, and I'm smarter, obviously
What do women say, with their small brains, every time I put on a condom? What do they say, every time?
"Why are you wearing a condom when I'm fucking you with a strap on?"
"To be safe, bitch!"
Right? They're the- They're the stupid ones
I think it's time for a story, let's do a story

It's time for a story, it's time for a story
A very special story especially for you
It's time for a story, it's time for a story!
Sit down and listen, now don't be a Jew

[Skit 2]
This story...
It was a glitch, you can be Jewish
This story is called "Andy the Frog", featuring long and convoluted similes. Now I'll warn you when one of those long and convoluted similes rears its old figurative head. So here we go
Once upon a time, there was a frog named Andy
Andy lived at the Patten Park Pond and had never hopped anywhere else his entire frog life
He had 3 best friends
Millie- who never left her lily pad
Billie- who was always hopping mad
And Roger- who was arrested for possession of tadpole porn
So one day, Andy saw something hop across the grass on the other side of the pond!
"Millie, Billie, Roger, look!" said Andy
Across the pond stood the most beautiful frog that Andy had ever seen
"She's gorgeous!" said Millie
"She's beautiful!" said Billie
"BIT OLD FOR MY TASTE." said Roger
(Classic Roger.)
And then she was gone
"I need to go find her," said Andy, "I need to follow my little frog heart."
So Andy followed the beautiful frogs footsteps into the forest
He then came across a turtle
"You can't pass!" said the turtle
"Please?" said Andy
"NO." said the turtle
(And uh, this is the first long, convoluted simile.)
Then, there was a rustling in the bushes, and like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle, the turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle
Andy kept moving, but at this point, like the doctor of a Kenyan track team, his patience ran thin
Andy kept moving
He then came across a giant crocodile, and the crocodile began to chant:
"I woke up this morning and I sat on a log, I opened up the menu and the menu said frog!"
Andy said, "NO! No, please let go of me, I can feel myself dying, you're ripping up my insides, I'm never gonna find her am I, there's no god is there, fuck, fuck!"
The End
(If you're curious the moral of that story is irrelevant because we're humans, and it was about a.. why would it apply to us?)