"I Fuck Sluts" lyrics - BO BURNHAM

[Intro:]
Thank you for all being here on a Friday, I know there's lots of places you can be on a Friday, so I appreciate you taking the time
To be with me, it does truly mean a lot
I would like to, erm, do a, uh, love poem right now, since it's sort of early in the show, um
I warn you, it is sappy and romantic so, um, I'll get it out of the way now and then I'll go back to the, uh, the dirty stuff that everyone loves or whatever
Um, okay, it's called "I Fuck Sluts"

Sluts! Sluts! (It's not a role call, but thank you)
Sluts, I fuck sluts
Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts
No ifs and's, or buts. I fuck sluts
I fuck sluts
Nice girls are nice but no good for nut-sucking
They'll need a serene night to green-light a butt fucking
But that'll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking
Boo to the nice girls. Praise be to slut fucking!

I have a list. A list?
Yes, a list of all the sluts I've missed
I've never fucked or sucked these sluts
And thus my nuts are fucking pissed
So, when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list
Another dumb cum-bucket struck from my nut sucking
Suck it slut, slut fucking bucket-list

[Interlude 1]
Yes, you hear the influences, Chaucer- The pages are blank, I know it. Why am I lying to you?

Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond
They can be skinny with big tits, or be skinny with small ones
Sluts can be perky, preppy or posh
With their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash

[Interlude 2]
CD people are confused

But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart
These sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart
They can talk about science, music, or art
They can put you together or they can pull you apart
But don't trust these sluts, don't, don't you dare
They'll force you to trust them and love them and care
And then they'll be gone and then you'll be aware
Of that hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there

[Skit]
Thank you very much.
So, you see, he was lashing out with sexist language because he had his heart broken. We all learned something
Um, I know that that bit in particular was a little bit dense, a little bit hard to follow, and I want to be able to do something that's easier to follow, and you can probably get it in the first listen, so I want to do a slower joke for you
Here's a slow joke:
(In slow-motion)
What did the ear of corn say when its clothes fell off?
"Aw, shucks!"
Get it?
Like "shucks" as in shucking corn and also "shucks" the exclamation?
Am I right?
[Normal speed]
Something for everybody
Um, my father recently told me that I act too gay on stage, and I said, "Really dad? Prove it!"
[Throws confetti]
For those of you listening, I threw confetti, flamboyantly

[Outro:]
He said, "What about that joke where you throw confetti at the end of it?"
I said, "I haven't written that joke yet, 'cause it's based off of this conversation! Gotcha!"