"Intro (What.)" lyrics - BO BURNHAM
[Intro: Narrator]
This is Bo Burnham. He is 22 years old, he's a male, and he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with Ellen DeGeneres. He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples. He's isolated himself over the last five years in pursuit of comedy and, in doing so, has lost touch with reality. You're an asshole, Bo. You hear me? You think you know better than me. You think you know better than everybody. You will die alone, and you will deserve it. But in the meantime, you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours. See if that helps.
[Break]
Bo! Bo, Bo, Bo!
Bo! Bo, Bo, Bo!
Bo! Bo, Bo, Bo!
Bo! Bo, Bo, Bo!
[Verse 1: Bo Burnham]
You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny
But now, you're contractually obligated
So dance, you fucking monkey
Dance, monkey, dance!
Welcome to the show
This is Bo, this is his show
And Bo likes to dance like this
Welcome to the show
This is Bo, this is his show
And Bo takes off his pants like this
Play an invisible drum
Play an invisible trumpet (Trumpet sound)
Drink some invisible water
Oh shit, that water's real!
[Bridge 1: Bo Burnham]
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable (Random voice)
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
So sit back, relax, and enjoy
A healthy dose of
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Lick your lips to make it more comforting
[Verse 2: Bo Burnham]
Do you want to see a magic trick?
Do you want to see a magic trick?
Do you want to see a magic trick?
Then pick a card, any card
Psych!
[Bridge 2: Bo Burnham]
Magic isn't real, you idiot (Read a book)
Magic isn't real, you idiot (Read a book)
Magic isn't real, you idiot (Read a book)
Magic isn't real
Or is it?
[Interlude 1: Bo Burnham, Troll & Pentacorn]
And at that moment, Bo's 20-year old cynicism melted into childlike wonder. He never knew there could be so much magic in the world
It's a world of possibilities, Bo. What do you want to do first?
Run? Yeah, sure you can run
Fly? Well, yeah, you can fly
What? What are you- What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Stop. S- Stop it. The fu- You fucking idiot. Stop. Stop. Stop
Anyways...
In the distance, Bo saw a beautiful fairy
A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud about being called one in high school
He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard
Bo knew that he'd have to answer a riddle to get by
The troll spoke thus:
"Alright, for the last time, man: I'm not a troll, I'm homeless. Okay, do you have any spare change? Okay, that's a used napkin. I don't want that. No, no. Stop, just- You know what? Leave. Just leave. Please leave."
And then, as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage
He saw a unicorn, with five horns, right in front of him
And the penta-corn spoke thus
"Hello, Bo
I've been looking for you for quite a long ti-"
[Gunshots Reloads Gun More Gunshots]
He was safe... for now. But the dark thoughts would soon return
[Pre-Verse]
(It's Godzilla!)
[Godzilla Shrieking Screaming Buildings Crashing]
[Verse 3: Bo Burnham]
It's so hard to be a lizard
It's hard to be a lizard (What did we do God? What did we do) (He killed my wife)
Tiny arms, itchy gizzards ("That monster killed my wife! Why is he singing!?")
It's hard to be a lizard (He's a monster) (Why!?)
But it's harder to segue
[Verse 4: Bo Burnham]
Is he skiing? Or is he in a gay porn?
Is he skiing? What? Or is he in a gay porn?
Is he skiing? Huh? Or is he in a gay porn?
Here's a hint [spits into hand]
He's in a gay porn
[Interlude 2: Bo Burnham]
Okay Bo, this miming shit is getting pretty annoying
So give them the real thing
[Verse 5: Bo Burnham (Auto-Tuned)]
My voice is so fucking natural
It's naturally good [Voice cracks] naturally good
Naturally good
[Bridge 3: Bo Burnham]
This is the end of the song at the beginning of the show
Welcome to the show!
[Skit 1: Bo Burnham]
That lizard part was pretty fucking stupid
We're uh- recording part of the CD tonight
And yeah, good to start off with 8 minutes of mime jokes, for the CD
I want to start off with a joke for the fellas
I don't feel like I connect with my men in the audience
As well as I do with my, uh, prepubescent girls
Where my fellas at!? Fellas!?
Yo fellas, don't you hate it when you're sucking a guy's dick
And he ends up being a faggot?
Am I right?
These fucking faggots with their tasty dicks
Alright, um-
If you'd like to leave during the show
The exit signs are marked clearly in red
Sort of an orangish, reddish, fiery red
So we'll be fucked if we need them
But we can see them now!
Um, this show is called "what."
And I hope there's some surprises-
[Accidentally knocks over water bottle]
Oh
[Verse 6: Voiceover]
He meant to knock the water over
Yeah, yeah, yeah
But you all thought it was an accident
But he meant to knock the water over
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Art is a lie
NOTHING IS REAL
[Skit 2: Bo Burnham]
So it's called "what."
And uh, it's about
Hey, cool it
[Verse 7: Voiceover]
He meant to knock the water over
Yeah, yeah, yeah
But you all thought it was an acc-
[Skit 3: Bo Burnham]
Take it off repeat, it won't
This is the good thing
We can edit all this
In the actual CD recor-
[Verse 8: Voiceover]
He meant to play the track again
Yeah, yeah, yeah
But you all thought it was an accident
But he meant to play the water track a-
Gain, gain, gain
Art's still a lie
NOTHING'S STILL REAL
[Skit 4: Bo Burnham]
What's the deal with segues?
Uh, food jokes
Let's do some food jokes
How you guys doing in the nosebleeds?
Up-top?
Yes, the nosebleeds
Where the cocaine is done
I had a hot dog for breakfast in Madison actually this morning
Yeah, afterwards I felt like this
(Picks up stool and swings it around)
Because I couldn't control my stools
Alright, Jesus
For the people listening, I moved the stool around a lot. This is going to get difficult. But I'm glad you like poop-based puns; they'll be a majority of the show. Never waste a moment! Every moment could become a comedy moment! See, thank you so much
I um-
