"I'm A Little Teapot / Improv Song" lyrics - BO BURNHAM

"I'm A Little Teapot / Improv Song"

[Bo Burnham]
I'm a big fan of hip-hop
Because I like words, I like poetry
And hip-hop feels like a way to condense a lot of those things into a short amount of time
There are artists that still do that
Kendrick Lamar, very word-heavy, very poetic, but-
What are you doing? This is my show, do not veer credit to people outside this building

Most hip-hop artists, for me-and it is for me, hip-hop-has traded in words and poetry for beat fetishism
It's where you make a sick beat, and then you rap anything over it and people lose their minds
I'll give you an example, is there a sick beat back there for me?
[Beat starts]

I am not one of you
I am not a human being
You know what I am?
I'm a little teapot, short and stout
Here is my handle, here is my spout
When I get all steamed up, then I shout
Singing tip me over and-
(Pour me out!)
Let's go!

[Background music]
(Pour me out, pour me out
Tip me over and pour me out, nigga
Pour me out, pour me out
Tip me over and pour me out)

Okay, Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full
One for the Master
One for the Dame
One for the little boy that's living down the lane
(Lives down the lane)
(Lives down the lane)
Why is there a young boy living alone down the lane?
Who signed this boy's lease?
Am I the only one concerned with this little boy?
Two examples, is enough
[Music stops]
Okay, thank you
A lesser comedian would have milked that for four verses, and a better comedian wouldn't have done it at all
We're right in the sweet spot

These cannons cost 200 dollars just for that joke
I could give that money to a homeless person, make their day
And I don't do that, very often
That is my first decision every morning
Not today, nah. I'll do that tomorrow
Tomorrow comes and it's still today!
Tomorrow is a relative term
We're not getting there
Makes Annie more depressing

[Walks towards piano]
(Fuck you!)
[Walks away]
You don't know where I'm going, don't act like it!
You're not ahead of me!
I will retain the element of surprise!

Trying to work on my improv
My show is very planned to the word, to the gesture
[Makes finger gun, spring noise plays]
And I'm trying to break out of that

I want to make something brand new for every show that only a few people get to experience
What's your name, man? (Rob)
Rob? Alright, I'm going to try to make up a song about Rob
Off the top of my head. This might not work
It's to keep me sharp, I'm stalling trying to think of rhymes for Rob, it's not fair
Okay, song about Rob, hit the track
[Music starts to play]

[High-pitched, pre-recorded voice]
Bo had sex with (Rob's) mom
Bo had sex with (Rob's) mom
Bo, I heard you had sex with an older woman last night! (I did!)
What's her son's name? (Rob, he's right there, I fucked his mother!)
Bo had sex with (Rob's) mom
Bo had sex with (Rob's) mom

I fucked her for an hour, then left when I was done
Because fucking is her game, and Rob is her son

Did we plan that? We did not plan that!
How does he do it? How does he pretend to do it?
How does he remain contrived? I'm not honest for a second up here! Honesty is for the birds, baby
You want an honest comedian? Go see the rest of them, alright?
"This thing actually happened."