"Four Tweets Shy" lyrics - DAVE CHAPPELLE
Celebrity hunting season. Doesn't matter what I say, they're going to get everybody eventually. Like, look, I don't think I did anything wrong, but... but we'll see. They even got poor Kevin Hart. Can you imagine such a thing? Kevin Hart, let me tell you something. It was... It was Kevin Hart's dream to host the Oscars. That's what he told me. And I remember when he told me, 'cause I was thinking to myself, "Well, that's an awfully strange dream for an African American." What kind of n I g g a dreams of hosting the Oscars? Kevin did, that's who. And he did it. Against all the odds, Kevin became the most famous comedian this world has ever seen, and he got the job that only one black man before him had had. He was gonna host the 80th Oscars.
And I don't know what you know about Kevin, but I know Kevin Hart is damn near perfect. As close to perfect as anybody I've ever seen. In fact, Kevin is precisely four tweets shy of being perfect. Ten years ago, Kevin had made some very homophobic comments. And I'm not gonna repeat what he said... because this is Atlanta. You know what I mean. I'm sure there's a lot of gay men here tonight... with their wives. Far be it from me to offend anybody.
All right, I'll tell you what he said. But just remember, these are not my words. These were Kevin's words. And it was a long time ago. And I'm paraphrasing, 'cause I'm not good at telling other people's jokes. Okay, Kevin said... that if his little son was demonstrating or-or-or exhibiting, uh, homosexual behavior around the house, that he'd chastise him. He'd say, "Hey, that's gay." And then he said he would smash a dollhouse over that child's head.
Ooh, the gay community was furious. And I don't blame 'em. I got a lot of gay friends. And all of them, 100% of them, all have told me fuckin' horror stories about the shit they had to go through just to be themselves. Crazy, crazy stories. And in all those stories, I gotta say, not one of them has ever mentioned anything like... their father smashing a fucking dollhouse over their head. 'Cause, clearly, Kevin was joking. Think about it. You would have to buy this n I g g a a dollhouse to break it over his head in the first place. Does that sound right? Is anybody gonna do that?
The gay community was upset, and then they put so much pressure on the Academy of Motion Pictures and Sciences that they went to Kevin and said, "If you don't apologize to that community, then you cannot host these Oscars." And then Kevin said, "Fuck it, I quit." And then he went on every talk show in America and apologized for six weeks.
