"Opioid Crisis" lyrics - DAVE CHAPPELLE

I hate guns, personally. I can't stand 'em. Yeah, but I have several. I don't want 'em, but I feel like I need 'em. Don't forget where I live. I live in Ohio. And anyone that knows anything about Ohio knows that even the word "Ohio" is an old Native American word. It means, literally, uh, "land of poor white people." And I don't know what's going on down here, but in my experience, uh, poor white people love, and, I mean, they fucking love... heroin. They can't seem to get enough of it. I didn't know what I was looking at at first. I was driving, like, "Why are all these white people so sleepy out here?" It's really bad. Matter of fact, I was coming out of the nightclub the other night in Dayton, and I had parked my car in the alley, and no one was out. I didn't have no bodyguards or nothing. I was home. I figured everything was fine. And as soon as I open my car door, all by myself, suddenly, uh, one of these heroin-addicted whites just pops out of a trash can. It scared the shit out of me. I screamed. "Aah!" And then, I realized it was a woman. She was fucked up. She was like... "Hey, man. Hey, man. Relax, okay? I'm sick, all right? I need some drugs, man. Please? I'll suck your dick for five dollars, man." I was like, "Ick... Two."
Obviously, I'm joking. This opioid crisis is a crisis. I see it everyday. It's as bad as they say. It's ruining lives, it's... destroying families. Sadly, you know what it reminds me of? Seeing it? Reminds me of us. These white folks look exactly like us during the crack epidemic. You know, it's really crazy to see. And all this shit they talk about on the news about how divided the nation is, I don't believe it. I feel like, nowadays, we're gettin' a real good look at each other. It's wild, because I even have insight into how the white community must've felt watching the black community go through the scourge of crack... because I don't care either. "Hang in there, Whites. Just say no. What's so hard about that?" Remember when y'all said that to us? But it's okay. There's no grudges. Now you finally got it right. Once it started happening to your kids, you realize it's a health crisis. These people are sick. They are not criminals. They are sick. Be that as it may, I'm armed to the teeth.