"Held Hostage" lyrics - DAVE CHAPPELLE

But it also feels like it's an East Coast city in the West Coast. You guys got subways and shit. I'm scared of public transportation.

I was on a bus that was held hostage, 45 minutes.

It wasn't life-threatening. I don't want to give you that impression. It was a dude jerking off, but the shit was scary, son, it was scary.

Because right before it happened, I was on the bus smoking a cigarette. It's a long story. It's not the coolest shit I ever did, and people freaked out. -

"Sir! Sir, put that goddamn cigarette out, okay?" This is everybody's air, sir."

- I flicked it. I didn't want any trouble.

And just at that moment, coincidentally, this homeless dude, out of nowhere pulls his dick out, started beating off. And I was furious... because NOBODY's saying SHIT to THIS guy! They were just looking like, "My God." I was the only one on the bus that had the balls to say anything to him. It's not even like I was brave really, it was that... you know... I was sitting next to the motherfucker. I had to say something. -

"Come on, dog, you're hitting my elbow. Stop. Son, just stop."

- It's all I said. I was - I didn't want to say too much. Guy's beating off on the bus means there's something wrong with this motherfucker. He's not wrapped so tight and I didn't want to push him over the edge.

Soon as I said something, all these dummies on the bus, now they're brave. -

"Oh, he's right. Put your goddamn cock away. I don't want to see this anymore."
"I don't want to see it either."
"Yeah!"

- Now, the guy flips out. -

"All right, everybody, back up! BACK. THE FUCK. UP! I tried to be nice about this!"

- Now, everybody freaks out. "Oh, my God, it's a biological attack, oh..." I'm caught in the middle. I can't lose my cool. I said, -

"Hey, everybody, just calm the fuck down or you're going to get me shot!" "Let's all just be cool." "Let's do what this man says, so he'll leave us alone."

- Now everybody gets quiet. -

"That's BETTER. That is better..."

- And then he started walking up and down the aisles, just terrorizing us. And then he starts making demands. -

"You in the pink shirt, squeeze your tits together." "Oh, God, no, no..."

"You! Stick your finger in your butt."
"Why? Oh, God, why is this happening? Oh, God, Oh God."

- He was working my way. This shit was tight. Just that minute, I got saved, dudes! I was so lucky. This guy, at the other end of the bus, he snapped. He lost his mind. I'd seen it happen. He screamed out, "Rush him! He can't cum on all of us!" and he charged down the aisle. And it's like a movie - This homeless dude's seen him coming. He shot one off. -

"Ahhh!" *POOF*

- I dodged that shit like The Matrix, nigga - ohhh.
...The guy behind me wasn't so lucky, though. -

"No, noooo!" *THUMP*

- That shit was gross.

It didn't kill him, but it was - I'm sure that fucked his day up.

You're not going to have a normal day if a homeless dude busts a nut on your forehead at 8:30 in the morning. That's a WRAP on the rest of the day. This guy was freaking out. -

"It burns! Ahhh, ahh, ahh!!"

- Everyone was standing around looking at him. Even the homeless dude felt bad. I guess he was finished; he came back to his senses. -

"Oh, this is my stop."

- I said,-

"Relax, motherfucker."

- I had to say something.-

"Relax."
"Oh, I can't. I got AIDS, I know it."

- I said, -

"You can't get AIDS from a homeless dude busting a nut on your forehead. That's not how it spreads!"

-...I don't even *know* if that shit's true. That's just what I TOLD him, man! He was so scared, I had to say something.