"Kidnapping & The Press" lyrics - DAVE CHAPPELLE
There's a lot of confusion around that age. Any time 15 comes up, people freak out, like when that girl Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped, right?
Remember in Utah last year, a 15-year-old girl, Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped, and then they finally found her and the whole country was... "relieved."
And I was the only one saying, -
"Damn, she wasn't that *smart* after all."
- Not because she got kidnapped! That could happen to anybody. I'm not knocking her for that. I'm *just saying*, if you kidnapped me when I was 15... you gotta take me *further* than EIGHT MILES AWAY from my HOUSE, man. Goddamn. You can't hold me prisoner AROUND SHIT I RECOGNIZE!. I'll break away! I'll break away. -
"Fuck OFF, nigga! That's my *bus stop.* I KNOW where I'm at. I'm going HOME!"
- She was missing for six months, 8 miles away from her house. That's *two exits*, man. That's nothing!
...And while she was missing, during this half a year that this girl was missing, there's a 7-year-old *black girl* gets kidnapped in Philadelphia. Nobody knows her name. They might've talked about it two or three times on the news, but *she* should've been the top story. Because SHE chewed through the ropes and had *both* of these motherfuckers in jail in 45 minutes flat. SEVEN YEAR OLD. I'm not making this up!
These two crackheads kidnapped her, took her to the crackhouse and tied her up. And then they left her! They're crackheads, they got to make moves; crack to smoke, chocolate to eat. Those motherfuckers made moves, they was out. As soon as they left, this little girl got to nibbling. She's kidnapped at 4:00 and at home watching herself on the news at 5:30. That shit is crazy. That's a news story. THAT is a news story.
Now, "Meanwhile in Utah..." Fifteen-year-old Elizabeth Smart's captors left her alone, too. And they didn't even tie her up 'cause they're hillbillies. They just bounced. -
"Don't try to escape, bitch, or we'll kill you. Be right back."
- And they leave. And she's fifteen, sitting in the house *by herself*. -
"How am I going to get *out* of this? Come on, Elizabeth, *think.* THINK, Elizabeth, how am I going to get out of here...?"
- Why don't you just *open* the fucking door and *go outside*? Have you *thought* about THAT? Do you have a quarter? Do you know your phone number?! You're 15, bitch, RUN! Stop thinking and *start making moves.*
I know I sound mean. And I know what the people are thinking when I'm saying this, -
"Dave, she's only 15."
- Alright, but that's the DISCREPANCY, because when you talk about a "little girl" like Elizabeth Smart then the country feels like 15 is "so young and so innocent."
On the FLIP SIDE, *here comes* 'fifteen' AGAIN. *Now* we're talking about a 15-year-old *black* kid in Florida. This black kid accidentally killed his neighbor when he was practicing wrestling moves that he saw on TV.
Now, was HE a 'kid?' NO! They gave him LIFE. They always try *our* 15-year-olds as ADULTS. -
"This Nigger KNEW what he was doing. He's a *goddamn* PILE DRIVER....This kid gets on the ropes, there's NO stopping him. We'd have to send The Rock to arrest him."
And they gave a 15-year-old boy LIFE in JAIL.
...If you *think* that it's *okay* to give him life in jail, it *should be legal* to PEE on him.
That's ALL I'm saying. You've got to make up your mind *across the board* how old 15 ACTUALLY is. That's all I'm saying.
Because I'm going to tell you right now, if somebody comes in here and puts a gun to my head and says, -
"Chappelle, you've got a choice to make! You're either going to jail for a month OR we'll let you go... but you gotta let R. Kelly pee on you."
- I'm not hesitating. -
"Bring in R. Kelly, and tell him to *stay away* from my EYES."
- I'd rather get pissed on, on the OUTSIDE than fucked in the butt on the INSIDE. I can't go to jail with some smooth Botox balls and think everything's going to be *alright.* It's not that kind of place. Take my chances with that piss.
Piss will wash off with a 10-minute shower. I'm certain of it. -
"This piss is coming *right out!*...What could I DO? They were going to put me in jail."
