"Michael" lyrics - DAVE CHAPPELLE

Because one minute they all love you; the next thing you know... you're in front of a *courthouse* dancing *on top of a car* just trying to figure out WHAT THE *FUCK* HAPPENED to you.

That's what I'm waiting for... because the *timing* of this Michael Jackson shit is what makes me doubt it. *Every* time there's wars going out of control, or the economy is bad or something is wrong with the world at large, it's always *these moments* in history that Michael Jackson will, coincidentally, jerk off a kid. This is getting ridiculous. Are you PLANNING this shit? Do you have *meetings?* -

"Michael, thank you for coming. As you know Michael, the war has not been going as well as we expected. There's been a lot of hiccups, and the public is asking us a lot of questions of course and well, Michael, there's no nice way to say this and all I know how to do is be direct, so let me just be direct.

We're going to need you to jerk off another child, Mike. I'm sorry. I am sorry. But it would really help out."

- Or, maybe he did it. Who knows? Who knows?! That's the thing, that's what I wanted to say, who knows? Who the fuck knows?

Mike, God, and this little boy know. That's about it. That's about it.

The only reason that I can even talk about this shit is because... everybody is *speculating.* They all think he did it. And I don't THINK he did it. I'm ALONE in this. I don't think he did it.

...I'm not gonna say I don't *think* he did it. That's too... *strong.*

Let me just say I am "reserving judgment..." until *all the facts* come out.

So far from what I heard, I mean, the kid said he's dying of cancer, he was in Make-A-Wish Foundation. He claims he had two weeks to live and it was his DYING WISH to meet Michael Jackson.

Come on, man, give me a fucking break.
This kid is 10 years old. He don't remember Thriller! What the fuck he want to meet Michael Jackson for? Honestly.

I REMEMBER Thriller and I just, like, *kinda* wanna to meet this nigga. I wouldn't break an appointment to meet him; I'll put it that way. I'd have to already be FREE. That's ridiculous. Because, like, If I'm dying in two weeks and go -

"Oh! Mama, get me in a room with Chubby Checker."

- I wouldn't want to meet that motherfucker, not in my last two weeks! Why not Usher or somebody like this?

So then the kid claims he goes to Michael's house; this is where it all gets crazy... I don't...like, you know....He does *everything* that you'd EXPECT at Michael's house.

They climbed trees and rode roller coasters and Ferris wheels. The chef made cookies, pies, and cakes. They was *petting a monkey* and giraffes, singing songs. KID SHIT.

And in *the middle* of all this *childlike activity,* for SOME reason... Mike put out some *wine* and some *pills...* and SUCKED this kid's DICK.

Folks, it hurts ME to SAY it.

...And the kid had the NERVE to call that "abuse." MOTHERFUCKER, that is a GOOD HOST, GODDAMN. What else do you want? What more do you WANT?!

I'm lucky to get a glass of *grape drink* at MY friend's house; *let alone* a roller coaster ride and my DICK sucked. Mike must be *confused* like -

"I brought you in my house, I fed you, I sucked your dick, and *this* is how you REPAY ME, motherfucker? This was YOUR wish, not MINE....I thought you were DYING in *two weeks*. What happened to THAT, motherfucker? I've been in court for a YEAR-and-a-half. You get STRONGER every time I SEE you."

- Wouldn't it? This is fucked up, though... I shouldn't even say this, this is fucked up, but...

Wouldn't it be some ironic shit if they found out, through this case, that... the "cure for cancer" was Michael Jackson sucking your dick, somehow?

Like if Mike had powers like "Green Mile" and all the kids are like-

"PLEASE, Mike, suck our dicks!"

"Mm-mmm. Never again. You didn't appreciate it, really."

"Can we at least study your saliva?"

"Nuh-uh. Uh, huh."

"Please, Mike."

- It doesn't stop, though. It just doesn't stop. And the only reason I can talk about Mike is because... he is a *freak.* He is a freak. That's why people let you talk about him.

Because if I brought up Catholic priests fucking kids, it'd get quiet as shit. (room falls silent)

...But when *Michael Jackson* does it, it's okay, because he's a freak. His face is all... *cut up.* And just remember, when you look at that *thing* that he calls *his face,* that he did that for YOU somehow. Somehow he thought you might - maybe it'll help. -

"Maybe people will like me more if I turn myself into a *white...* GHOULISH-like creature."

- I don't know what the fuck it is, but he did it for you. And I appreciate the gesture, Michael Jackson. If you're watching this, I appreciate that gesture and I want you to know, fuck everybody. DAVE CHAPPELLE understands.